From 2-years old I lived in a community on 750 acres of reforesting land in a remote part of NZ 5-minutes from the beach. A beautiful big waterfall to hike to and two sparkling and clear rivers ran through the land for swimming in. Every day I would go down the hill from my home and run wild with other children living there. When hungry I would pull up a carrot from the garden and wash it in the river. Or climb a plum tree in my bare feet and pick juicy plums out of its branches. Lazing around in the sun all summer at a river swimming spot with my friends. Sliding on our bums down the river bank into the river and squealing in fear of eels coming to nibble our toes. At night after eating dinner with my friends at their house I would walk home in the dark without a torch. My feet knew their way down the steps through the forest, over the swing bridge, and back up the hill under the stars to my home. That was my home until I was 13 years old. 

​

I was startlingly aware growing up that I was different and my family was too. With our rattly cars with different coloured doors so often needing to be pushed to get started.  My clothes, poorly fitting hand-me-downs. I began making my own clothes to have things that felt more like me. I never wanted to fit in. What I always wanted was to be expressed authentically and to be loved and celebrated for who I am.

 

Heading off to secondary school in the city I felt intense shame every time my family picked me up from school. I longed to feel in my power and not shame.

 

I wanted as an adult to have a proper job where I could feel praised for my intellect and feel in my power. I wanted to be a professional, not like my parents. To have a life where I could have beautiful things and wear beautiful clothes. Being a professional and appearing normal was top of my mind. 

 

In the background, behind the scenes I was enjoying a wild life. To places where I felt most free. Now no longer living in the wild nature of NZ I found my wild freedom self in the fetish clubs and many dancefloors of London. My first time in a dungeon play space I felt my heart open to its widest and with every part of my being felt that I had arrived home as everyone was free to be whoever they wanted to be. You could be daringly erotic and no one would make you feel ashamed, in fact you would be celebrated for your creative and free expression. But in the outside world I wanted to be a respected professional. 

 

The wild soul part of me faded more into the background as my professional career took off following obtaining a BSc. and then a MSc. in Psychology. I got married too, bought a house and even got pregnant. It seemed that I was finally getting what I’d always wanted. But on the inside I began falling apart. 

 

Was it the rape that happenned at university catching up with me. Or the fact I’d never really chosen a partner because I never felt enough and had always been the one chosen and now was married. The deadness I felt became more apparent and no libido pills off the internet could turn it around. I ended up depressed and hardly able to get out of bed. 

 

In that place of darkness something rose up in me. If I couldn't do it for myself I could do it for the child inside of me. I began reclaiming my life and the process of unravelling my current life. Starting with the marriage and then I also ended the baby. 

 

It got harder before it got easier. Intense anxiety overtook me. Emotions all over the place. But somehow the Divine came in through the cracks and one day I had an experience that I can only call a spiritual awakening. Life force rushed back into my body in a moment and with it my power. I was looking out on a view over the Black Sea in Turkey, away on a work trip, on my birthday. The sun was setting and I was seeing the view and in an instant it felt like the world revealed itself to me. I could see the beauty of this world. Then I felt the beauty in my body, and in an instant I got flooded with aliveness. My anxiety went and was replaced with awe. This moment brought me back to life. 

 

I didn’t realise I’d been dead. But now I was so alive! I could feel the blood rushing in my veins and the breeze on my skin. I felt so amazingly alive the path of pain that led me here all felt worth it just to have this awakening. This intense aliveness stayed with me for two whole weeks. It was wild. It felt like it was worth it to have been so squashed and to have lost my power just to have this blissful moment of awakening. 

 

From that point on I became dedicated to my life force. Learning to say ‘no’ to things to protect it. Getting curious about all the ways in which I was finding my life force depleted and all the things that gave me more life. 

 

And now here I am. I began following a spiritual pull. This led me to incredible places and people all around the world. Retreats. Learning from incredible teachers in the area of somatic transformation and healing. Many cosmic experiences and this beautiful softening of my heart. My path as a professional in a suit got diverted to living as the most authentic and true version of me following the path of my own heart. Devoted now to helping others feel most alive. 

 

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you feel most alive and do that” (Howard Thurman)

 

For me the dance has always been between not enoughness, shame and my power. Layer by layer moving through the darkness and discovering that I really can have my deepest desires. I do get to have a relationship with someone who I adore in all ways. Now 11-years into a partnership with my divine man. That being in and out is a sign that it’s a no. That you get to have a full yes! life that gives you aliveness. It’s possible. Yes it is possible to design your life. If you know that living by the water is what will bring you most alive, you can do it. That all the ideas we have about what is not possible are just stories and we can dissolve them all and create the impossible. And that’s what I’m here for. 

 

Everything seems impossible until you’ve experienced it. That’s why I surround myself with people who have done the impossible things that I desire to experience too. I love to celebrate others in their power. 

 

“What you seek is seeking you” - Rumi

​

Howl…..